Look at Me.

Look at me, every mark and imperfection. My body is a road map of everywhere we have been. The tough road of motherhood and wifely duties reflect on every inch. This body has endured so much pain, so much change. I spent so long hating this body.. Striving to start over and have the body I remember from my youth, the body that even then.. I hated..  

ENOUGH, my body tells a beautiful love story, and all the places I’ve been. My body creates life and nourishment. My body will continue to change for the rest of my life but I will not be sorry or ashamed for the war scars I’ve earned on the way. My body is a constant reminder that I am so much stronger than I could have ever imagined myself to be.

 Life has been tough on me but I am through beating myself up for the body I carry. I will love and care for this body, through the changes and the soft skin. Through the self inflicted scars where I drew pictures of my pain and unworthiness.

Look at me, take a look into my eyes and see that I am the same girl on the inside striving to find her sparkle again. I am the girl that loves and laughs and LIVES. When you look at my eyes and see her again, take a step back and see how much she has endured. See the battle scars she wears from the places she has walked by your side. Look at the person she has become because of the strength she had to draw out of her tired bones everyday, no matter how badly she wanted to quit. Look at the battles she fought in her mind; count how many times she has lost and how many times she won. See the person that she has been and the person she is becoming. 

See ME. See the girl you love flourish and grow into the women she has always known she could be. One day you will see me again and realize the strength it took to pick up the pieces of myself and the sacrifices it took to be here. I sacrificed myself for the family we created and the life we wanted to build. I will never regret laying myself down to answer the call but now it’s time for the next season of worthiness and incredible strength. To show myself and my daughters that loving yourself is the most incredibly powerful superpower you can have. Now the adventure awaits, a journey of finding the ME that I am now; a wife, a mother, a warrior, Nancy.

Anger

I was angry. I was angry at all those that came and left. I was angry at all the empty promises. I was angry for always being abandoned. If no one stayed, there was undoubtedly something wrong with me, right? I was disgusted at myself for not being good enough, worth enough, pretty enough; for simply not being enough..

Suddenly, I stood there face to face with myself, in a nightmare. All the anger and pain enveloped me seeping out of every pore of my body like a sickness.  I stood outside of my body looking into this empty room, staring at the honest picture of all I held inside. You walked in and saw me in pieces, you saw through my anger and saw the little girl inside that cried out for more. I was completely broken.

I was ready for my story to come to an end. I could feel all the negative thoughts, and voices floating in the room. I just wanted to release my anger by punishing myself. I was so overwhelmed and drained that my vision became clouded with the ways I could make everyone around me long to have had more time with me, to make them regret all the wasted memories. 

I hated to see myself in that state, but when your love surrounded me all the anger turned to sadness and you just held me. I no longer had the strength to be angry. My face was buried in your robe and I sobbed. All of my cares melted away and the room was silent. The stillness of your love was comforting. 

How could I have ran away from this for so long. You ARE love, unconditional, undeserved, everlasting love. You wiped my tears away, you looked at me and said "you are worthy, you have always been worthy, I am with you". And finally I could finally rest. It is a love that I inherited by grace. A love that I could never find or encounter on earth. It is where I belong. 

Generationally Rooted

I realized that it was time to pave my own road for my family and my children to walk on. I realized that the road I walked on was rough and covered in thorns and trees. I had to cut down trees with roots as old as the earth itself. The same trees my ancestors planted but the roots became rotted. Now they stand in the way of the path I am trying to create.

 I walked so confidently through the road that was paved for me. The Holy Spirit taught me how to walk with confidence in Him alone. He taught me that breaking those generational curses was not easy but would clear the path for my children and their children to have less obstacles than my husband and I did. We came together and our paths merged. 

More trees, more thorns. How do I walk by knowing that these same things could throw my descendants off the path. Leaving it to them to do the hard work. So many generations before me did that. They left the trees and thorns to grow stronger. So many generation that only thought to get themselves through the wilderness and not of those that would follow behind them. 

It stops here. I will uproot the thorns and knock down the trees. I will burn the roots, so they never grow back. Will it be hard, yes. Will it make my journey longer than those before me, yes. But I refuse to make my road easier so my children can suffer from my laziness later. I refuse to allow those rotted trees to grow any stronger. I refuse to allow those thorns to pierce my children’s feet.

 I will make the way, I will pave the road and I will be the change needed for a fresh start. 

A new way of life, unity and love.

The Journey

It is so easy to focus only on the road you are traveling on rather then the beauty of the world you are traveling though. For so long, I focused only on the road. Every rock, every pothole, and every bump discouraged me. I prayed only to get to the destination and achieve the goals I set for myself; to get "there." All while I ignored the most beautiful part of the journey, the places I would have to travel through to get there. The seasons of striving, sacrifice, and trials. I discounted the lessons I would learn and the person that I would become. I forgot about me all together. The only focus was getting there, no matter what it took. 

 The places we are going always seems more valuable then where we are now. We are always trying to rush out of the moment; here hurts. Here is a constant uphill battle of lessons, stretching, and being uncomfortable. I am learning to be present in the now, even in the midst of the storm. There is still beauty in my journey. 

 There is still a lesson to be learned. I am grateful for the storms that I've gone through. I would have never thought that I could endure any of those battles, much less this one. I have learned to see myself again and extend forgiveness to myself for my mistakes. I've learned to not focus on where I want to go or even the people that couldn't come with me but look at myself and the world surrounding me in the moment and be proud of how much my journey has challenged me and how far I've come. 

 I know now that in the eye of the storm, when you focus on what God is trying to show or teach you in it, the storm becomes empowering instead of debilitating. I have uncovered layers of myself I've never seen before; true strength in being honest and vulnerable instead of portraying strength by ignoring my weaknesses. I am learning to see beauty in every situation; to find JOY in the one who created me for this moment. To have peace in the chaos. To live in this moment and let tomorrow worry about itself. It won't be perfect because I am only human, but I choose to be intentional. I choose healing; I choose happiness.